Being OP lasted all of one day.
I am so incredibly exhausted I don't know what to do with myself. Boomer had yet another round of diarrhea. He's getting over it now but still insists on waking me up at least once a night, and then start whining to get out at 5:00 in the morning. Needless to say, I am not getting enough sleep. And when I'm this tired, I eat.
I am an exhaustion eater. I am also a boredom eater, a stress eater, and mindless eater, etc, etc, etc. But more than all of those, I am an exhaustion eater. I eat to stay awake and I eat because being tired makes me feel like shit, and all I want is cake. Hence the problem. I had just happened to buy a box of cake, then the exhaustion hit. The box is already gone. That's over 40 points.
All cake will be out of the house by tomorrow morning. And then no cake will enter the house until we move. That gives me two months. Typically it takes me a month to get over cravings this bad. I'm doing fine with the caffeine and the ice cream. In fact, I've been doing okay with ice cream for months. Which is a really good feeling. :)
But now I need to break the cake thing. So cake is gone. And I'm going to be going to bed at 8 until I'm not so exhausted. Of course, this isn't really going to do me all that much good since I'm working overnight Saturday night, then again Sunday afternoon to midnight, so sleep will be minimal all weekend. But I'll figure it out. And at least I'm just on Ag so we're getting done relatively early.
For the sake of all my animals and my marriage, as well as my health, however, I need to get some sleep!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Day 1 back OP
Today killed me. Seriously.
First school was so insane that I didn't have any time to sit, let alone eat. So I was starving by the time I got lunch. Then I stopped at Taco Del Mar for dinner. My usual Monday dinner, but not the best choice when I'm already starving. But it WAS delicious!
And then I see the dumb WW email about all the different types of brownies. Why do they send those types of emails when we're trying to lose weight? Because all I wanted when I saw that email was a batch of brownies. But I knew that if I made brownies, I would eat the entire batch.
Today was definitely a battle of wills. But I won for once. And seriously, I'm going to keep winning. I have enough self control over the rest of my life, it's about time I had control over this too.
First school was so insane that I didn't have any time to sit, let alone eat. So I was starving by the time I got lunch. Then I stopped at Taco Del Mar for dinner. My usual Monday dinner, but not the best choice when I'm already starving. But it WAS delicious!
And then I see the dumb WW email about all the different types of brownies. Why do they send those types of emails when we're trying to lose weight? Because all I wanted when I saw that email was a batch of brownies. But I knew that if I made brownies, I would eat the entire batch.
Today was definitely a battle of wills. But I won for once. And seriously, I'm going to keep winning. I have enough self control over the rest of my life, it's about time I had control over this too.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Irrationality
I moved our bed today.
It made me really sad.
I've been packing our house for weeks now. Everything except our movies and the kitchen are in boxes. I have literally left out just enough to get by until graduation. And none of that bothered me at all. I was excited to pack it all up because that means we're just that much closer to moving.
The cats were getting into the boxes I hadn't finished filling up and therefore hadn't closed yet. McAleister has already peed in one box. Luckily it was a box of books that we were getting rid of. But I couldn't risk him doing it in boxes that we actually need. Unfortunately, I happened to be packing all the boxes into John's room, where there were litter boxes. So I can't exactly shut the door.
The solution: I moved our bed into that room and emptied out the bedroom for all the boxes.
This is the room I used as my bedroom the entire first year I lived in the house. And I didn't mind it then at all. Yes, it's a more inconvenient room. It's on the end of the house where the windows face other houses instead of fields. And it's right off the living room instead of off by itself down the hallway. However, it has it's own attached bathroom (hence the litterboxes), and it's much less affected by the wind. And it will only be for 4 weeks until we move everything to North Dakota. So why is it making me so sad that the bed is now in there?
I think a part of it is that I never lived in that room with John. We moved into the other bedroom when he moved in with me. So it makes me lonely. Makes me feel like he's a lot further away. But that can't be all because I'm not sad about leaving the house that I live in with him.
It's just weird because I'm never this nostalgic about anything. Hell, half the time I don't even sleep in our room during the winter. I'll sleep out on the couch or floor in the living room because the wind is too bad. And considering it's windy tonight, I should be glad I'm not in the bedroom.
Seriously, I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm missing John more than usual also, so apparently I'm just being emotional right now. Yuck. I don't like being emotional.
On another note: I am dragging my ass back on plan tomorrow. I don't feel as good right now as I do when I'm eating well. I'm exhausted, have headaches, and a constant upset stomach. So as of tomorrow, it's back on. Not to mention, I have a lot of boxes to move in a month. And right now, I'm not in good enough shape to do that. Just moving a handful of boxes and a bed (although a seriously heavy bed) exhausted me today. Plus there's Mom's statement that I 'obviously need to go back on a diet.' It's time. I'm not even sure why I fell off this time. The couple days I was on felt so good, I don't know why I blew it.
So we'll see how tomorrow goes.
It made me really sad.
I've been packing our house for weeks now. Everything except our movies and the kitchen are in boxes. I have literally left out just enough to get by until graduation. And none of that bothered me at all. I was excited to pack it all up because that means we're just that much closer to moving.
The cats were getting into the boxes I hadn't finished filling up and therefore hadn't closed yet. McAleister has already peed in one box. Luckily it was a box of books that we were getting rid of. But I couldn't risk him doing it in boxes that we actually need. Unfortunately, I happened to be packing all the boxes into John's room, where there were litter boxes. So I can't exactly shut the door.
The solution: I moved our bed into that room and emptied out the bedroom for all the boxes.
This is the room I used as my bedroom the entire first year I lived in the house. And I didn't mind it then at all. Yes, it's a more inconvenient room. It's on the end of the house where the windows face other houses instead of fields. And it's right off the living room instead of off by itself down the hallway. However, it has it's own attached bathroom (hence the litterboxes), and it's much less affected by the wind. And it will only be for 4 weeks until we move everything to North Dakota. So why is it making me so sad that the bed is now in there?
I think a part of it is that I never lived in that room with John. We moved into the other bedroom when he moved in with me. So it makes me lonely. Makes me feel like he's a lot further away. But that can't be all because I'm not sad about leaving the house that I live in with him.
It's just weird because I'm never this nostalgic about anything. Hell, half the time I don't even sleep in our room during the winter. I'll sleep out on the couch or floor in the living room because the wind is too bad. And considering it's windy tonight, I should be glad I'm not in the bedroom.
Seriously, I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm missing John more than usual also, so apparently I'm just being emotional right now. Yuck. I don't like being emotional.
On another note: I am dragging my ass back on plan tomorrow. I don't feel as good right now as I do when I'm eating well. I'm exhausted, have headaches, and a constant upset stomach. So as of tomorrow, it's back on. Not to mention, I have a lot of boxes to move in a month. And right now, I'm not in good enough shape to do that. Just moving a handful of boxes and a bed (although a seriously heavy bed) exhausted me today. Plus there's Mom's statement that I 'obviously need to go back on a diet.' It's time. I'm not even sure why I fell off this time. The couple days I was on felt so good, I don't know why I blew it.
So we'll see how tomorrow goes.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I'm back again
My whole idea of blogging didn't exactly last very long. However, here I am back again. Life has been crazy. Stress level has skyrocketed. And eating has been out of control.
The good news- things are resolving. I signed the contract for my new job today. Huge stress relief. Not quite what I was aiming for but in a year, I'll get tons of experience and then can decide whether I need to look for a new job or not. Packing is coming along. John doesn't seem to get the fact that he gets to help pack this time around, but luckily I'm on vacation for the next 2 weeks and don't do well sitting around, so I should be able to get a lot done. Boomer is also starting to sleep through the night and go more than an hour during the day without needing to go outside. Now if only we could clear up the diarrhea, we'd be great!
I've already dug out some recipes to cook tomorrow. If I can just get through a day totally OP, I'll be fine. It's always just that first day that sucks so bad. So tomorrow, my only goal is to not eat my way through the kitchen. Then we'll go from there.
And I'm going to take Boomer for a walk. Preferable day 1 of C25K, but I'm not sure either of us can make it that long yet. So we'll work ourselves up together. :)
The good news- things are resolving. I signed the contract for my new job today. Huge stress relief. Not quite what I was aiming for but in a year, I'll get tons of experience and then can decide whether I need to look for a new job or not. Packing is coming along. John doesn't seem to get the fact that he gets to help pack this time around, but luckily I'm on vacation for the next 2 weeks and don't do well sitting around, so I should be able to get a lot done. Boomer is also starting to sleep through the night and go more than an hour during the day without needing to go outside. Now if only we could clear up the diarrhea, we'd be great!
I've already dug out some recipes to cook tomorrow. If I can just get through a day totally OP, I'll be fine. It's always just that first day that sucks so bad. So tomorrow, my only goal is to not eat my way through the kitchen. Then we'll go from there.
And I'm going to take Boomer for a walk. Preferable day 1 of C25K, but I'm not sure either of us can make it that long yet. So we'll work ourselves up together. :)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The height of pathetic-ness
I went back to WW meetings last night, and officially weighed in at the highest weight I have ever had recorded. First time I have ever broke 200 pounds. I always swore I would never break 200. Although really, why would I have had to swear that if I thought I could get down low where I wasn't at risk?
My rings have been harder to get off lately. I just figured my fingers were swollen. I finally realized what was going on this morning. I weigh 20 more pounds right now than I did when DH gave me that ring. My fingers are now too fat for it. I took it off and put on my simple band simply because I can't do my job if I can't get my ring off. But that's even further motivation to get the weight off. I want my ring to fit comfortably.
Day 4 of no caffeine. The headache today was actually worse than yesterday although I only took drugs once today. I'm at the point now where the craving for pop is becoming a bigger deal than the craving for caffeine. Just need to stick with it for another couple weeks and even that craving should be better. Although it's a little harder when I have about 7 boxes of pop in the closet.
In better news, I've had my first completely OP day today. It's actually my 2nd this week, but I had a couple off days in between. Wasn't exactly easy but I kept telling myself that I just spent money on a new journal and meetings, so I was going to make the money worth it. That's a good enough reason by itself to stay OP, let alone having my ring and clothes fit better.
As someone else said the other day: Day 1 down, a lifetime to go... :)
My rings have been harder to get off lately. I just figured my fingers were swollen. I finally realized what was going on this morning. I weigh 20 more pounds right now than I did when DH gave me that ring. My fingers are now too fat for it. I took it off and put on my simple band simply because I can't do my job if I can't get my ring off. But that's even further motivation to get the weight off. I want my ring to fit comfortably.
Day 4 of no caffeine. The headache today was actually worse than yesterday although I only took drugs once today. I'm at the point now where the craving for pop is becoming a bigger deal than the craving for caffeine. Just need to stick with it for another couple weeks and even that craving should be better. Although it's a little harder when I have about 7 boxes of pop in the closet.
In better news, I've had my first completely OP day today. It's actually my 2nd this week, but I had a couple off days in between. Wasn't exactly easy but I kept telling myself that I just spent money on a new journal and meetings, so I was going to make the money worth it. That's a good enough reason by itself to stay OP, let alone having my ring and clothes fit better.
As someone else said the other day: Day 1 down, a lifetime to go... :)
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Day 2 of no caffeine
The headache was definitely better today. Not gone, I could feel it lurking in the background just waiting for drugs to wear off, but at least tolerable. I'm hoping this trend continues, but considering the fact I'm having to sleep in the living room tonight thanks to the wind, lack of sleep is likely, which means headaches are more likely as well. Fun. )))wind(((
On other fronts, yesterday was amazingly OP. Then comes today. Starts out wonderful. I'm OP all the way up until I get home from work at 6 pm. Then I was attacked by the cake. Stupid cake. I really need to get it out of the house and keep it out.
Why do I do this to myself?
On other fronts, yesterday was amazingly OP. Then comes today. Starts out wonderful. I'm OP all the way up until I get home from work at 6 pm. Then I was attacked by the cake. Stupid cake. I really need to get it out of the house and keep it out.
Why do I do this to myself?
Monday, January 5, 2009
Day 1 of no caffeine
How is it going?
OMG, someone kill me now.
I called in sick for the first time in years because I got no sleep last night. Don't know why I wasn't sleeping for most of the night, but about 4 in the morning, the migraine started. And was still present when my alarm went off at 6. Technically I could go to work with a migraine, but not my first day at a new clinic where I need to put a good face forward, and where I technically am not expected to start until tomorrow anyway.
This is why I'm going off caffeine again. I had the same problem this time last year- migraine's starting at 7 or 8 in the morning, well before I would normally have had any caffeine anyway. And I successfully went off of it until about October when I was studying for boards and it snuck back into my system. So I know I can do this. Two weeks of hell and it'll be over.
But right this second, I feel like my head is about to explode.
However, I've also decided to take it one step further this year. Instead of being solely no caffeine, it's going to be no pop in general. I don't drink coffee more than about once a month, and tea is about the same. So pop is my main source of caffeine, as well as a source of lots of calories. So if I'm not going to be able to drink my Mt. Dew, I might as well go off all pop for now. Good habit to break anyway.
I know I can do it. I just have to get through these next couple days...
OMG, someone kill me now.
I called in sick for the first time in years because I got no sleep last night. Don't know why I wasn't sleeping for most of the night, but about 4 in the morning, the migraine started. And was still present when my alarm went off at 6. Technically I could go to work with a migraine, but not my first day at a new clinic where I need to put a good face forward, and where I technically am not expected to start until tomorrow anyway.
This is why I'm going off caffeine again. I had the same problem this time last year- migraine's starting at 7 or 8 in the morning, well before I would normally have had any caffeine anyway. And I successfully went off of it until about October when I was studying for boards and it snuck back into my system. So I know I can do this. Two weeks of hell and it'll be over.
But right this second, I feel like my head is about to explode.
However, I've also decided to take it one step further this year. Instead of being solely no caffeine, it's going to be no pop in general. I don't drink coffee more than about once a month, and tea is about the same. So pop is my main source of caffeine, as well as a source of lots of calories. So if I'm not going to be able to drink my Mt. Dew, I might as well go off all pop for now. Good habit to break anyway.
I know I can do it. I just have to get through these next couple days...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Playing around :)
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Just experimenting... This whole blogging thing is kinda fun. :)
This picture is from our first anniversary trip to Yellowstone. Isn't my DH just so handsome?
My new goal
My last post seemed way too depressing so I'm inclined to keep typing. :)
I was talking to DH yesterday about how I want to start going to meetings again. I need the extra motivation (any extra motivation) and I've always enjoyed meetings. The problem is that historically (like 6 or 8 times) I've started going, lost weight for the first few weeks, then plateaued for about 12 weeks until I just quit going. Now some people plateau for unknown reasons, they're on plan but just not losing. Not me. I just fall off plan and can't get myself back on.
However, I refuse to let that happen this time. I'm going to start meetings again on Wednesday and I'm going to make this work for me. I have one pair of jeans that fit, and about 10 that don't. We're not even going to talk about all my snow clothes. Suffice it to say I'm wearing my husband's old coveralls. Thank God he's 6'3 and wears his pants baggy because otherwise, I wouldn't fit in them.
But when we were talking about meetings, I was hesitant to join because in May, we're moving to a town of 400-ish people in the middle of North Dakota. The closest WW meeting is 30 miles away. However, 30 miles once a week really isn't that bad. And he gave me another idea. When (note to self: notice I say WHEN, not IF) I get to goal, I could become a leader and start a meeting a little closer if there's enough interest. That would not only bring in extra income and be more convenient, but it would keep me immersed in the WW lifestyle in a way that might otherwise be more difficult with limited access to meetings.
So that's my new goal. I want to become a leader.
I was talking to DH yesterday about how I want to start going to meetings again. I need the extra motivation (any extra motivation) and I've always enjoyed meetings. The problem is that historically (like 6 or 8 times) I've started going, lost weight for the first few weeks, then plateaued for about 12 weeks until I just quit going. Now some people plateau for unknown reasons, they're on plan but just not losing. Not me. I just fall off plan and can't get myself back on.
However, I refuse to let that happen this time. I'm going to start meetings again on Wednesday and I'm going to make this work for me. I have one pair of jeans that fit, and about 10 that don't. We're not even going to talk about all my snow clothes. Suffice it to say I'm wearing my husband's old coveralls. Thank God he's 6'3 and wears his pants baggy because otherwise, I wouldn't fit in them.
But when we were talking about meetings, I was hesitant to join because in May, we're moving to a town of 400-ish people in the middle of North Dakota. The closest WW meeting is 30 miles away. However, 30 miles once a week really isn't that bad. And he gave me another idea. When (note to self: notice I say WHEN, not IF) I get to goal, I could become a leader and start a meeting a little closer if there's enough interest. That would not only bring in extra income and be more convenient, but it would keep me immersed in the WW lifestyle in a way that might otherwise be more difficult with limited access to meetings.
So that's my new goal. I want to become a leader.
My attempt at blogging
I have never blogged before. I actually never understood the reason for blogging. I've always kept a journal, and although it may be months (years?) between entries, it's always there waiting for me to come back and my spill my thoughts. I always thought that was sufficient. I could write whatever I wanted and no one could judge it. How could it get any better?
So why am I writing a blog right now? That is a very good question. The answer: I don't know.
This is what I do know. My life, as it exists right now, sucks. Why is that? Another very good question. I have a great life. Everything I've ever worked towards for my life and career are about to be achieved. I have an amazing husband who is willing to move anywhere to be with me (and is actually excited about it!). I just landed my dream job. I'm passing my 4th year of vet school with much more ease than I passed any of the 7 previous years, and the end is only 5 months away.
Yet I'm still unsatisfied. This is not my general state of mind. Typically I'm a happy go-lucky person who always has a smile on my face and people like being around me. Yet right now, I'm struggling now not to be the biggest bitch to everyone in my presence.
What it comes down to... I'm burned out. And being at my highest weight ever is not helping. The confidence is struggling to stay intact. Why can I manage the rest of my life so successfully that all of my dreams fall into place, yet not be able to ignore that cookie sitting in front of me? Even when I am so full I know I will not get any sleep because my stomach hurts too bad, I still lack the ability to turn down that fucking cookie.
Maybe this is the real reason I'm writing this blog. My weight is currently one of the biggest influences on my emotional stability (or lack thereof). And yet there are other people out there who are fighting the exact same thing. So why not write about it? Let my friends see what I'm going through instead of constantly trying to bottle up my feelings or pretending my computer is a good listener. My computer, that has no feelings, has never tried to lose weight, and that cannot tell me when I'm being an idiot or applaud my victories as they occur. Why not open it up to others who are going through this, so that I at least know I'm being heard by people who understand?
Of course, this is just me rambling. And who knows? Maybe I'll blog for a week and decide it's not helping. Or maybe it will be a sufficient outlet that it may make a significant difference in my life. Or maybe I'll just find that I enjoy it. We'll see.
And really, are my thoughts interesting enough to keep the attention of others besides myself anyway?
Maybe when I'm in a better mood, as I'm fully aware this isn't the most uplifting of posts...
So why am I writing a blog right now? That is a very good question. The answer: I don't know.
This is what I do know. My life, as it exists right now, sucks. Why is that? Another very good question. I have a great life. Everything I've ever worked towards for my life and career are about to be achieved. I have an amazing husband who is willing to move anywhere to be with me (and is actually excited about it!). I just landed my dream job. I'm passing my 4th year of vet school with much more ease than I passed any of the 7 previous years, and the end is only 5 months away.
Yet I'm still unsatisfied. This is not my general state of mind. Typically I'm a happy go-lucky person who always has a smile on my face and people like being around me. Yet right now, I'm struggling now not to be the biggest bitch to everyone in my presence.
What it comes down to... I'm burned out. And being at my highest weight ever is not helping. The confidence is struggling to stay intact. Why can I manage the rest of my life so successfully that all of my dreams fall into place, yet not be able to ignore that cookie sitting in front of me? Even when I am so full I know I will not get any sleep because my stomach hurts too bad, I still lack the ability to turn down that fucking cookie.
Maybe this is the real reason I'm writing this blog. My weight is currently one of the biggest influences on my emotional stability (or lack thereof). And yet there are other people out there who are fighting the exact same thing. So why not write about it? Let my friends see what I'm going through instead of constantly trying to bottle up my feelings or pretending my computer is a good listener. My computer, that has no feelings, has never tried to lose weight, and that cannot tell me when I'm being an idiot or applaud my victories as they occur. Why not open it up to others who are going through this, so that I at least know I'm being heard by people who understand?
Of course, this is just me rambling. And who knows? Maybe I'll blog for a week and decide it's not helping. Or maybe it will be a sufficient outlet that it may make a significant difference in my life. Or maybe I'll just find that I enjoy it. We'll see.
And really, are my thoughts interesting enough to keep the attention of others besides myself anyway?
Maybe when I'm in a better mood, as I'm fully aware this isn't the most uplifting of posts...
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